


You're By My Side, But Are You Still With Me?

by TechyTechno



Category: Homestuck, Vast Error
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Help, Insecurity, Kinda, Lack of Communication, Panic Attacks, ellsee is insecure af tho, i feel like im forgetting a tag, i want them to be happy, idk what to consider it, implied atleast, or tags, please communicate, pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29455761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechyTechno/pseuds/TechyTechno
Summary: But she couldn’t help but keep thinking. When was the next time she’ll be able to see him? Or talk to him at all?? What if she never talked to him again?! What if…What if she lost him?-------------------Ellsee and Occeus finally communicate with eachother.
Relationships: Ellsee Raines/Occeus Coliad
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	You're By My Side, But Are You Still With Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Uhh first non-oc related work in a long time :D! hopefully its okay and not too out of character i tried my best aha
> 
> also gorillaz lyrics for da title so tru

Fear.

That was the one thing Ellsee felt right now. Complete and utter fear. It could be a fear of anything. She had a whole lot to fear. The fear of anybody finding out her blood color; that would be the first thing anybody would think of. If anybody were in her shoes, anybody would be scared of that possibility. Of being killed, of being shamed, of all sorts of horrible acts being, well, acted against her. That would be something nobody would be surprised about. But somehow, right now, she didn’t feel like that was it. Sure, she had many, many, moments, where she got such extreme anxiety of being caught, or others already knowing, that she would just burst into a panic attack and be completely unreachable to nobody.

Nobody would be able to understand her. Nobody would be able to try and understand her. She would just be curled up somewhere in her tent crying while her lusus just let her calm down. She knew that she was being irrational, and that only made her feel more guilty. But nobody would understand that guilt. Nobody ever could unless they were in her shoes. Nobody could understand what it could be like. To always fear failure. That was her.

Maybe she was fearing that. Failure to succeed. Fail to fail and then cry over failing and feel even more like you failed. That didn’t make sense. But nonetheless, the idea still was there; maybe she was just scared to fail? Like how she would have panic attacks over her blood being found out, maybe she was panicking over the possibility of failing at, well, anything. That could just as likely as an answer. But failing… that didn’t feel like it. Sure, it scared her, but not as much to make her feel this scared. Though she felt like she was failing, that couldn’t be the main issue. Atleast, she didn’t think. So, keep thinking.

Blowing through the possibilities of why she was so scared quickly; like unresolved issues, not actively talking in a long time, feeling lonely, and so on. She couldn’t have anything click in her mind. None of that made sense on its own. So what was it?? She slumped down a bit more on the floor, curling up into a ball more and more as she continued thinking. She couldn’t conclude anything. She was starting to come to the answer that maybe she was just anxious for no reason when she ran into one last possibility she could think of; how were her relationships going.

She blinked rather slowly. Surely, that couldn’t be it. That seems so stupid to be upset over. None of her relationships were causing her so much anxiety, she was sure. But, if this could be a possible answer to what the hell was making her so scared. So, she ran through them. All the ones she thought she had somewhat of an established relationship with.

There was Arcjec who came to her mind first, and already knew that he couldn’t be the root of it. They were on good terms, there was seemingly no problems between the two. Scratch that off the list. Laivan she was always on good terms with and overall, he was just a guy that was so chill that she knew there wasn’t anything going up in her mind that was about him. So next. Taz she couldn’t think of anything with her. She didn’t even know her feelings on the purpleblood. Proceeding. Murrit? God, she didn’t even care about that guy. Always was such an asshole and she knew that if she were to be feeling anything about her, it certainly wouldn’t be fear. Instead, likely frustration. So that led to the final person.

Occeus Coliad.

And when she started to think about him, she really started to think. When was the last time he talked to her? When was the last time she talked to him? Did he still care? Of course he did, and she knew that. She knew he was just busy and didn’t mean anything bad with his absence. But she couldn’t help but keep thinking. When was the next time she’ll be able to see him? Or talk to him at all?? What if she never talked to him again?! What if…

What if she lost him?

She felt her throat tighten up in what could only be a sob threatening to escape her throat. She gritted her teeth. What if he didn’t love her anymore? What if he was just using her for his experiments?! What if he was slowly losing interest the more they were away? Does he even know any of this? Of how badly him being gone affected her? Had she ever told him?! God, she was so stupid. She was an awful girlfriend. Thinking these things about her significant other, her bondmate, she was so stupid! She knew that he loved her, he always would. It was just her dumb anxiety getting to her.

...Anxiety.

This was it. This is what was bugging her so bad. What was making her so scared. The possibility of him not loving her anymore. The possibility of him breaking up with her. The possibility of losing him. Of course, if he felt any of these, or wished to do any of them, she wouldn’t stop him. Not at all. She loved him. She wanted him to be happy. She just… She wanted to see him again. Or at least talk to him. She missed the sound of his voice, she missed him holding her close and snuggling close to him. She missed talking to him for hours on end and being able to just... experience his personality. Look at what he typed and smile. Be able to know he was doing okay. To feel like they were okay.

Maybe… She should do just that.

I mean, what’s the harm? She could just send him a quick message and continue wallowing in her stupid self pity. When he would get back with her, if at all, it would be very late and she could just use the excuse that she forgot and that it likely wasn’t that important anyways. And tell him she loved him. That is something she wanted to do all day every day if given the chance.

Ellsee finally uncurled herself from her ball and rolled over to look at her computer. Just a quick message. Nothing that would cause him great concern. One quick, vague message just asking him what’s up. Nothing more. No harm would be done in that.

Quickly, she sat herself up and opened up a chatlog. Taking a deep breath, she began typing to him.

  


existereOracle [EO] began pestering  macabreExude [ME]

EO: OccΣus¿¿   
EO: I know you’rΣ likΣly rΣally busy and i’m sorry for mΣssaging you but-   
EO: Um.   
EO: I dunno what i’m saying.   
EO: I hopΣ ΣvΣrything is going okay.   


  


Several minutes pass. Those minutes feel long. They always do whenever she tries to talk to him. But this time, a part of her hopes he doesn’t get back with her. Not that she doesn’t want to speak with him. More so that she didn’t want to open up about her anxiety over it to him. She didn’t wanna worry him. Not put more stress on him. This was purely an act of impulse, she thought. And now, she realized how she didn’t want to tell him this out of her own irrational fear. Just as she started to close the chatlog, an unexpected message pops up on her screen.

  


ME: Eye am here   
ME: Eye h.o.pe everything is g.o.ing alright .o.n y.o.ur end as well   
ME: Is there anything tr.o.ubling y.o.u dear?   


  


Fuck. She wasn’t expecting him to actually- well, respond. She doesn't know why he did. Maybe he got a chance to respond. Or maybe he had just wanted to talk to her. Either way, She doesn’t care. She started typing before she could think.

  


EO: I’m so glad you’rΣ okay¡¡   
EO: I’m so happy that work has opΣned up frΣΣ timΣ for you.   
EO: I lovΣ you so much.   
EO: I lovΣ you.   


ME: Eye l.o.ve you too   
ME: But y.o.u are w.o.rrying me   
ME: Al.o.t   
ME: Eye I will ask again, since it was n.o.t answered previ.o.usly   
ME: Are you d.o.ing .o.kay?   


Keep avoiding it.

  


EO: I’m so glad you’rΣ okay¡¡   
EO: I’m so happy that work has opΣned up frΣΣ timΣ for you.   
EO: I lovΣ you so much.   


ME: Ellsee   


EO: How is work going¿¿   
EO: I hopΣ wΣll.   
EO: I’m sorry if I'm bothΣring you or intΣrrupting your work.   


ME: Ellsee   


EO: I want you to know that I rΣally am sorry if I ΣvΣr burdΣnΣd you with anything.   


ME: Ellsee!   


  


She can’t avoid it anymore. She can’t run from it. Ellsee rereads her messages and realize how clingy and needy she sounded. How stupid she was being. She spilled too much. Stupid. She’s fucking stupid! Just before she was ready to make an awkward department, Ellsee read over what Occeus had responded with.

  


ME: Eye kn.o.w there is likely al.o.t on y.o.ur mind  
ME: And some things you d.o.n’t want t.o. .o.pen up ab.o.ut and if y.o.u d.o.n’t wish t.o. eye c.o.mpletely understand  
ME: I’ll respect y.o.ur wish  
ME: But even if y.o.u d.o.n’t want t.o. talk ab.o.ut it   
ME: ME: Please kn.o.w this  
ME: Eye l.o.ve y.o.u  
ME: Eye l.o.ve y.o.u m.o.re than y.o.u may ever kn.o.w  
ME: Eye want y.o.u t.o. kn.o.w h.o.w much I l.o.ve y.o.u and miss y.o.u everyday when we d.o.n’t talk  
ME: Eye think ab.o.ut y.o.u everyday  
ME: Y.o.u have never burdened me  
ME: And if eye ever made y.o.u feel like y.o.u are then  
ME: Eye am s.o. s.o.rry  
ME: Eye really am if eye ever made y.o.u feel like y.o.u are a bother to me or if eye d.o.n’t enj.o.y y.o.ur c.o.mpany  
ME: Because eye l.o.ve y.o.ur company  
ME: Eye wish eye c.o.uld have y.o.u in my presence m.o.re  
ME: You can tell me anything   
ME: If y.o.u believe s.o.mething is wr.o.ng and needs t.o. be br.o.ught up   
ME: Please   
ME: If n.o.t f.o.r y.o.u   
ME: Then f.o.r me   
ME: Please tell me   
ME: And preferably   
ME: Please tell me n.o.w   
ME: Because eye am unsure when i’ll be able t.o. speak for this long again  
ME: But again  
ME: If you d.o. n.o.t wish t.o. .o.pen up ab.o.ut it n.o.w that’s .o.kay t.oo.  
ME: D.o. what you want t.o. d.o.  
ME: Please d.o. not feel pressured at all .  


Ellsee remembers how much she missed him. How much she missed how kind he was and his reassurance, she missed every bit of him. If she were being honest, this much blue on the screen kinda makes it look a bit daunting to read. And if it were anybody else, maybe it would have been. But knowing her bondmate was the one behind those words, she knows she could likely read it for days. Now. Now is the time to tell him.

  


EO: WΣll…   
EO: It’s just…   
EO: I fΣΣl…   
EO: God, what do I fΣΣl¿¿   
EO: I fΣΣl…   


  


How the fuck did she feel?! Alone? Scared? Insecure?? How does she word this? For several seconds, she stares at the screen and grits teeth in frustration as she struggles for what to say. Ellsee fails to notice how badly she was shaking until she finally began typing again.

EO: I FΣΣL LIKΣ AN IDOIT¡¡   
EO: I fΣΣl so nΣΣdy and stupid right now bΣcausΣ I know that you’rΣ busy for a good reason¡   
EO: I know you don’t mΣan to not talk to mΣ for days bΣcause that’s how important it is to you and ΣvΣryonΣ ΣlsΣ.   
EO: I know you lovΣ mΣ so much and I lovΣ you so much too but…   
EO: I miss you. EO: ΣvΣrytime you’rΣ away I fΣΣl so insΣcurΣ and lonΣly.   
EO: I miss you.   
EO: I miss you ΣvΣryday and I wish that your work didn’t strΣss you out so much.   
EO: I wish I wasn’t being so…   
EO: SΣlfish.   
EO: Because I know i’m not the only thing going on in your life and I should just stop bΣing so stupid¡¡   
EO: But I fΣΣl so lonely and I fΣΣl awful whΣn you’rΣ away.   
EO: I fΣΣl awful in gΣnΣral.   
EO: I don’t…   


Ellsee pauses for a moment to really think about it. Think about what to say next. She really does consider it. She doesn’t what? “I don’t” what? But then it comes to her again. The answer. The final part of her sentence. It arose earlier and it was arising again. She didn’t…

  


EO: I don’t want to losΣ you.  
  


  


Occeus’ answer comes back slowly, but thoughtfully. She knew he was thinking of the right things to say, but if she were being honest, him saying anything would make her feel better. Nobody could make her heart swoon like he did. She read his response knowing that she’ll feel better.

ME: Y.o.u are n.o.t being stupid  
ME: Eye can tell y.o.u that  
ME: Y.o.ur feelings are understandable and eye want y.o.u t.o. kn.o.w that  
ME: Eye am s.o.rry that eye have n.o.t been visiting y.o.u as of late  
ME: And n.o.t talking t.o. y.o.u all that much if at all  
ME: Eye kn.o.w h.o.w y.o.u feel  
ME: Eye miss you s.o. much t.oo  
ME: Please don’t think eye d.o.n’t  
ME: I kn.o.w y.o.u feel insecure and eye kn.o.w that my absence d.o.esn’t help  
ME: And eye truly am s.o.rry  
ME: If eye had known that me being away had affected y.o.u this bad please kn.o.w that eye w.o.uld’ve atleast tried and have do.n.e s.o.mething ab.o.ut it  
ME: Eye w.o.uldn’t have just brushed y.o.u .o.ff because while my w.o.rk is imp.o.rtant  
ME: Y.o.u pers.o.nally are m.o.re imp.o.rtant t.o. me  
ME: And even if eye am unable to see you physically at the m.o.ment in my line of w.o.rk  
ME: Eye sh.o.uld’ve tried t.o. speak to y.o.u m.o.re t.o. make up f.o.r that  
ME: D.o.n’t blame y.o.urself  
ME: This is n.o.t y.o.ur fault  
ME: Eye sh.o.uld’ve th.o.ught ab.o.ut h.o.w y.o.u were feeling and f.o.r that eye ap.o.logize completely  
ME: Eye l.o.ve you  
ME: I’m n.o.t g.o.ing anywhere ever  
ME: And that’s a promise  
ME: Eye don’t want to l.o.se you either  
ME: You are the love of my life and eye cann.o.t stand the th.o.ught .o.f n.o.t being with y.o.u  
ME: Y.o.u will be .o.kay  
ME: I pr.o.mise y.o.u will  
ME: I l.o.ve you  
(seperate)

Ellsee smiled to herself. She loved him so much. She knew that he loved her, and him being here right now, after her opening up about her problems and not being faced with hate, instead embraced with love, was the best feeling in the world. To know somebody was always going to be there when times were looking rough. Someone’s hand to hold while the world came crashing down. To know that Occeus loved her and would always listen to her. Always be there. Calmly this time, without a quiver at all, typed back to him.

  


EO: I know you do.   
EO: And I lovΣ you so much too.   
EO: EO: You arΣn’t solΣly to blamΣ.   
EO: I should’vΣ told you and not been so scarΣd.   
EO: EO: I know you wouldn’t havΣ bΣΣn angry at all.   
EO: EO: I just…   
EO: EO: I guΣss I didn’t want to bothΣr you.   


ME: Please know y.o.u never w.o.uld have   
ME: And y.o.u never will   
ME: I understand y.o.ur anxiety .o.ver it   
ME: I d.o.n’t want y.o.u t.o. suffer in silence is all   


EO: I know you wouldn’t.   
EO: I promisΣ i’ll tΣll you if somΣthing is bothΣring mΣ.   


ME: Eye am glad y.o.u trust me en.o.ugh dear   
ME: Please d.o. tell me   
ME: Eye am always g.o.ing to be willing to help you   


EO: I lovΣ you.   


ME: Eye l.o.ve y.o.u too   


  


Ellsee smiled to herself. Wider this time. She was happy to have talked to him, but she figured now, surely, it was time to go. She knew that he had to go attend to other things, but from this moment onward, she would hear from him more. He would make more of an effort to talk to her and not drown in his work. But she couldn’t help it. She wanted to talk to him more. She couldn’t just leave it like this. Deleting the goodbye message she was typing to Occeus, instead, she simply typed;

  


EO: OccΣus¿¿   


  


And then he responded.

  


ME: Yes h.o.ney?   


  


And without hesitation, she asked.

  


EO: Could you try and stay around a bit longΣr¿¿   
EO: I miss talking to you.   


  


And now, she already knew the answer.

  


ME: .O.f c.o.urse eye can   
ME: .Asl.o.ng as you need me t.oo.   
ME: Eye am here to stay.   


And while she knew tomorrow, he would need to go back to his work, she knew that he would try and talk to her whenever his work didn’t stand in his way. He needed his own space, too, aswell. She knew that Occeus needed time to wind down and relax, it is what he deserves from how hard he works. But knowing he was here right now, and was going to make an effort to be there more was enough to satisfy her for now. To beat down that anxiety and throw it into the trash bin. He was here, and while sometimes it may not feel like it, he always will be, no matter how far apart they may seem. They will always be close.

  


They were both here to stay.


End file.
